need to see the counsellor on wednesday lol
Gotta love sad boi hours! Erm yeah. I don’t really know how to start this. Feel like whenever I do one of these, I’m being incredibly petty and stupid and just terrible and I am but yeah. Still just need to rant otherwise I will end up crying more than I already want to. Everything is getting harder and harder yet recently things theoretically haven’t been that bad. Like, in theory I have nothing to be upset about but my chest just feels empty and numb at the same time. Its such a weird feeling to explain. Whenever a happy moment happens, it feels so damn good. Like really good. The other day I saw Holly who I haven’t seen in probably like a year and a bit which is horrible considering how close we used to be. Me, mum and her boyfriend were going out for a meal and she shouted me across the restaurant and I ran over and hugged her. It felt so good and it was then I realised how much I missed her but afterwards I realised how much we’ve grown apart. How much she moved on without me. Which is expected, people can live without me but oh god does it hurt. I remember all the good times we had and I just want them back.
Same goes for Kai. He’s in another relationship now and deep down I am happy for him, but fucking god. It hurts so much. I want my friend back. I want the friend I could talk to about anything, send memes to, discuss our future, make plans, do spontaneous trips to the piercing shops, go to the beach, bitch about people, remember the good times. But obviously 8 years of friendship means nothing to him. I mean nothing to him. Its fine though. Used to it at this point. You would think after so long that I would not be hurt by this but heyy guess not! After everything that has happened between me and Kai, I don’t hate him. Just the person he has become. The person I was friends with died a long time ago. And, again, that shit hurts.
Especially at this time of the year, when I remember all the good times I had with friends – whether it was at school or during half term – planning meet ups, travelling in a friend’s parent’s car or meeting at Tesco, going for walks and picnics. That shit was so good. I’ll see younger kids having fun now with their friends and enjoying the weather and just makes me feel like shit. The older you get, the more you realise that friendships die so quickly and memories are all you have left. I really do want to be happy, pretend, just stay positive, but it’s so difficult when you live in a world that is constantly bringing you back down to Earth. God I feel sorry if there is an FBI agent watching me through my webcam, their life must be terrible!
The worst part about growing up like this is not knowing what it’s like to be happy. What it’s like to wake up with hope. To have dreams. To see a future for yourself. Instead of making plans for your 18th birthday that involve alcohol and a box of pills. Jeez. What a life that must be. To be happy. God. That’s a strange concept right there. Wish I had that life. Would never tell mum this but I feel like the reason my life is messed up is because of my dad and the way he treated me. Shocker I know! Daddy issues. What’s new? He’s the reason I started to self-harm. The way he spoke to me just made me feel shit. I wouldn’t have got addicted but maybe I’m just destined for this life. Or lack thereof.
The only upside to my life right now is the fact that I have no energy to cut. Technically been clean for so long but after this I might break that lol. Love that for me. Even though my eating is still fucked as can be but hey. No blood. No scars. No questions asked. Even though most people in my life know I’m so mentally fucked up – including my doctors – but won’t do jack shit about it. It’s fine. When I do die, (assuming people in my life will read this but probably won’t lol) please don’t act surprised. Everybody who is close to me knows how close I am to the edge, but won’t do anything. Never did anything. So don’t be shocked. Don’t say you did not know. Don’t say I had a long and beautiful life to live when I don’t. I didn’t. Please don’t. Please give me that. That’s my final request.