verge of giving up lol tommy is the only reason i am here

I never know where to begin with these things. Long story short I want to die. More than usual which is shocking I know. Guess I should start with the beginning of the week. Failed most of my assignments which is fun. Friday, I saw Nay. The day was mostly good. But something was off. Never know how to explain it. Like she doesn’t even want me there. The main thing that pissed me off is that she expected me to pay for the pizza which was £18. I know she doesn’t have much money but I would have rather fucking starved than pay that. Nothing new. Normally skip meals than pay for them but no because I have more money I am expected to pay. Like fuck off. I was funny with her the rest of the night. Not like I overwork myself already and worked damn hard for my money but no fine use me. It’s fine. Everything other fucking person in my life does the same so why would I expect any different from somebody that I thought I could trust. The next day she was sick so I got a train to my grandmas which is also where it went down-hill. We went out for a meal for her birthday (which was a few days earlier) so I went all out. Wore new clothes that Nay picked for me and did my hair and makeup. What did mum and her fucking druggie boyfriend say? ‘You look like a 13-year-old trying too hard’. Thanks. Want to slit my wrists even more now great. On top of that they chose a restaurant that has fuck all vegetarian options because nowhere does and so lets just make me suffer even more. How about next time I just don’t eat and starve myself to death because that sounds like a much better plan. Didn’t even want to go. It was at this point that my mind started spiralling. The next day we went home. Apples stopped at a McDonalds and when I complained that they changed the veggie burger, ‘well you choose to be vegetarian so that’s your choice’ okay cool so I’ll just choose to not eat and fucking kill myself by slitting my wrists or overdosing or drinking bleach or hanging. Haven’t decided yet. Long story short we got home and I really want to die. Hours alone with your own thoughts aren’t good. Reasons why I want to die. One. I will never be good enough. Nay was talking about the stuff she wears and they are normal things. Shirts, skirts, bras, underwear. Normal things. But they are thing I can never wear. Not without feeling so fucking self-conscious. Partly down to Nick but I’ll get onto that in a bit. We took photos while I was there and she of course she looked great but I looked like a potato. I am never going to be pretty enough, confident enough, smart enough, brave enough. I will never be good enough. That shit kills. It’s something that you feel in your chest. Just a pain of emptiness. Its hard to explain. The fact that I’ll never wear a cute outfit that may be revealing due to my fucked-up mind is just so fucking infuriating. Not that it matters. 18th birthday. Bottle of vodka and pills. Sorted. Second. Whenever mum is with her boyfriend, she treats me like a piece of shit. Should be used to it by now but it’s just hurting more and more each time. Don’t really know how to talk about this one. Just having no parent that cares just fucks you up. Also, fun fact. Six years since I last saw my dad. Still fucking hurts. So much. Third. Life is so pointless. Cliché. I know. But it is. We all stress and worry about things that won’t matter in 100 years let alone 1 million. What’s the point in living? Slightly contradictory but the idea of death is also sending me into a depression episode – not really making me want to die though so go figure? The bloody happier music video about the dog just fucked me up. The thought of realistically having to say goodbye to Tommy. To Marley. Mum. Josh. Grandma. Realistically it won’t be long. I know that. I’m not stupid. But the realisation just hurts. Everything hurts and is empty at the same time. On top of the numerous other no friends, family, money, ambitions, life plans, goals etc. That is also fucking me up. So yeah. Want to die. Forgot to mention that because of all this I just went off the grid for a bit. Mum knew I was fine but nobody else. They don’t care anyway. Nobody does. Why would they? Why should they? I am not their responsibility and need to stop acting like I am. They have their own issues to deal with and need to stop acting like an entitled bitch. Grow the fuck up. Seriously. We all know you have issues but so does everybody. You’re not special. Far from it. Oh forgot to mention. Been having flashbacks and stuff about Nick and yesterday a letter came for him and it’s just got me remembering why I have so many trust issues. Why I’ll never be normal. I know other people have experienced so much worse but as a child it was still traumatising. So yeah. That’s just got me feeling like I never want to leave my bed lol.