too. weak

I know I’ve complained about this like a million times but people only give a shit about me when it fucking suits them. All I do is complain but it’s this or have a breakdown and lose the only 3 bloody people I have left. I am grateful for the few people in my life but oh my god are they so selfish. God knows I’m far from perfect but the way other people act, you would think they are the epitome of perfection. Wow I am so bitter. Just need to rant about a few people quickly then I will go back to self-loathing. So, Nay has gone to see Ollie again because fuck knows. She always goes about how she wants to break up several times. They don’t even want to be together but in today’s age that’s all anybody does. Stay together because why the fuck not. THEN FUCKING ISOLATE YOUR FRIENDS TO THE POINT OF SUICIDE THEN ACT SURPRISED WHEN THEY DIE. But no. You’re in love at 17 even when you fight all the time and have nothing in common (wow that was also lowkey linked to Charlotte and Kai until they broke up oof). The main reason why I’m pissed, not just that she always ignores me when she is with him. Like always. But when she is with me, she can’t stay off her phone for 10 fucking minutes. Like okay. Don’t bullshit with me then. Don’t say I am your first choice. Don’t try and comfort me when you are just lying. I remember when she told me she would choose me over him. What a fucking lie that was. But am I surprised? No. Everybody lies. The world we live is nothing but a fucking joke. Anyway, the actual reason I am pissed is because she asked to borrow money and I gave because I am such a great friend, but she better not be using that money to go to his fucking house. I never agreed to that. He is not a priority. Why should I pay for him to see you? He sees you all the fucking time. How is that fair? Just hoping that he paid for her and she didn’t use my money. Want to ask but don’t want to start shit since I am seeing her next week. Hopefully anyway. Might jump in front of a train before then. That’s the main rant about Nay. Just hate my entire class if I’m honest. Everything is just getting too fucking much. Again. Every time I get better, things go tits up again. It never lasts. Never. But this is what I deserve. Why should I deserve happiness? I could at least list 50 things wrong with me and not one good thing. Should I? Hair is patchy, thin and horrible, along with damaged because you think you are a fucking trained hairdresser and too cheap to see a professional but what’s new there? Should I even start on your skin? Dry and oily and red and just gross. Pores bigger than you are that is saying something. You thought your skin was getting better? Bitch. It will never get better. You will never get better. Ever. You don’t deserve it. Your posture is terrible and you complain about back problems even after you were told to do specific exercises. But you’re never really committed are you. You couldn’t even kill yourself if you tried. Too fucking weak. The funny thing is that I keep checking my phone as though somebody gives a damn about me. Nobody cares. They all have their own problems which are much worse than mine so I need to shut the fuck up. I deserve all this. I am a terrible, horrible, selfish, ugly, fat, stupid, ignorant, self-centred, crybaby fucking mess who doesn’t even deserve the breath I am breathing. But that can easily be changed. Don’t really know what else to say that I haven’t said a million times before. Night I guess