Back on my bullshit - let's see if I can stick to this blog this year lol

What am I supposed to do when everything is getting worse? I know it is. It’s a weird sensation. Everything starts to become more and more numb. Empty. Everything is worse. Loneliness. Sadness. Even when I have moments of happiness, I just know it won’t last so end up not enjoying it. A couple days ago I had to text a crisis number (which I feel I will be using more this year lol). I had a panic attack. Haven’t had one in ages. It started around 3 and I had to try and hide it until 4 when lesson finished. In order to stop myself running out – and therefore getting the college involved which isn’t happening – I flicked my wrist with a hairband. It went very red and helped me get through the hour. I tried googling anything to distract myself since we were supposed to plan our assignment but I just don’t understand it. Long story short, I had a breakdown about my life and decided to text the crisis number. His name was Alex and he had a dog. He was nice. He offered me some advice to help with my attack and talked with me until I calmed down. See, services like this are useful but if I say I want to die, they will call the police because confidentiality and fuck that. I got a new phone and I swapped over my old razor into my new case for easy access although probably need a new one considering that one is over a year old and never really been washed. Anyway, everything is getting so much worse. Like, this time last year I wasn’t as bad even though I was cutting more. But my mind is much worse off than it was. I don’t remember if I wrote about it, but in was December 2017 that I went to the doctors about my self harm and he said he would refer me to CAMHS… Thanks you prick. Obviously, I am not sick enough to get help. Its fine. I’ll either get help after I attempt or I die so a win-win in my books. In 5 days, me and Charlotte are going to a concert and I don’t know how I am going to cope. Ill be with her from Thursday evening until Saturday afternoon (roughly) so I am going to have to eat otherwise she will get suspicious (probably more than she already is fml). I do have a plan though. Restrict Monday – I have the dentist anyway so I shouldn’t be eating – Tuesday eat small amounts and same for Wednesday, but only around like 4pm (maybe a vegan sausage roll since is 313 calories) and then nothing else for Thursday since she’ll get me food for dinner and Friday and Saturday eat as little as I can get away with and walk a hell of a lot (which is so likely since the concert will be like 5/6 hours of standing and dancing so heh). I will weigh myself tomorrow and again the following Monday (and maybe Sunday) and hope that I have not gained (otherwise I will do a 48 hour restrict). More and more food is starting to disgust me. I had toast today and it was just gross. I chewed and spat out because it was just gross. Currently 8st 5.8lbs but I’m mostly putting that down to my muscles since I pulled my calves somehow so ill see how it goes. College is a piece of shit and I want to kill myself because I am failing all the work and people keep talking about me going to uni but i’m like ‘bold of you to assume ill be alive then’ but in reality I just keep quiet. I know I am not going. What would I do? Get myself into debt for something I don’t care about? No thank you. I’ll just get a full time job somewhere. I’ve already started looking at some flats. Just need somewhere reasonably cheap and that accept pets (for Tommy) and Im sorted. Maybe I’ll try and write more about my feelings but don’t count on it. Maybe one day when I get help OR they want to know why I killed myself they can read this and understand. Or not. Everybody sucks so that’s unlikely.