Thought I was getting better

Happy Halloween! Nothing that happy about it if I'm honest. Sorry for the long update would be an understatement. Guess one missed blog turned into five into thirty into too many. I wish I had a reasonable explanation. I do. However, I don't. My mental state has been a roller coaster of emotions that last few months. All in all, I thought I was getting better. Me and Nay became friends again (after we fell out around May time), she actually visited me for a few days recently. Josh is a dad now (born yesterday), mum has a new boyfriend and I've made some new friends at college. But I know this is all superficial. None of it matters. If anything, I am getting worse. Not cutting as much but still have urges from time to time, but just don't have the energy to find a toilet and wait like 10 minutes to clot. Just remembered, I've basically been starving, binge eating and purging (overdosing on vitamins making me shit, along with appetite suppressing pills) the last few months. Having this control is nice. Helps to control my fucked up life. Not all the time but a couple times a week. Lost a lot of weight but still feel like shit. Whenever things go tits up, either don't eat for the day or binge eat until I feel sick (followed by starving and overdosing the next day - is it really overdosing if it is just vitamins? Just makes me shit more not die. What a shame). Even though I have people around me, I've never felt more alone. Never. Just keeps getting worse and worse. How do people cope living like this? It is tearing me up inside. Every second of everyday. Just the constant emptiness. Nothing. Just alone. Just nothing. No way am I blaming her but being friends with Ryo can be a little mentally tiring. She talks about her problems and I hate to see her upset but talking about her experiences in hospital, or her therapist or the times shes tried to kill herself makes it difficult to help with my health. I'm trying to help her best I can, but how? How the fuck can I help my suicidal friends when I'm in the exact same position as them? I know all the stuff that they are told and that even I tell them, is just bullshit. 'You have so much to live for.', 'You are loved.', 'It gets better'. I don't listen to that so why the fuck would they? They don't want to live but what am I supposed to say? Top yourself then! No. I can't. But the support I wanna give can only go so far. This is actually so useful. Who needs a therapist when I can just talk to myself in future tense? This way I get all my anger out without pushing more people further away. I'm already so isolated as it is, so why make it worse? Just talk to a computer, cry, cut and eat pizza. Sounds like my life is sorted.