I was stupid for thinking things would change and note #1

I don't know how to feel. Stupid I guess. Stupid for feeling like anything would change. Thinking that people would change. They won't. They never will. Since Saskia bailed on me, Nay said she would FaceTime me today. She hasn't. Been busy all day. But she won't just tell me she's too busy to call. She just says 'I will in a bit, just finishing work' or 'having a bath' or some other excuse. I thought she was different. Why was I so stupid? Saskia and Holly are having a sleepover at Charlotte's - and probably Lauren as well - and I can fucking bet that Saskia isn't sleeping on the floor. I'm going to lie if anybody asks what I did today since I said I had made plans with somebody else. I was stupid for thinking I would feel better. I can't believe I was actually feeling better. How stupid of me. As soon as things start to get better, things just fall apart. Nothing is ever okay. Apart from me if somebody ever asks. 'How are you?' Dying inside. Depressed. Wanting to die. 'I'm okay'. At least me and mum are okay. We haven't talked about what happened. We're not really that family that will talk about things. That's bad I guess but what can you do? I've just had enough but don't know what to do. I'm either numb or sad. No in between. It's becoming more and more numb nowadays. Sick of this. Just checked snapchat and Holly is going home. As well as Mark spending the day there. Why should I fucking bother? Oh wait. I shouldn't.

I've thought about writing a note. Something that would explain things if I ever did something. Should I? Would it help? I don't know. Just thinking about it makes me sad. I don't want to die. But I don't want to live. What should I do in a situation like this? I might try. See how it goes. Just to get it out of my system. How would I even start this? Do I write one for individual people, or a general one? I don't even know. The individuals ones would probably hurt them more but it gives them more of an explanation. I'm on my period so I'm even more hormonal. Maybe for now, I'll just write a general one.

Dear whoever is reading this,

I would say I'm sorry but I'm not. If you're reading this, that would mean that I'm finally at peace. Finally happy. You may ask why. Or not. Probably won't care. But I guess I'm somewhat justified to explain why. Short story - everything is too much. Life is too much. Being so alone in a world so full of shit is just something I couldn't deal with. Nobody cared enough. Maybe some of you cared. Not enough to do anything. Some of you knew how I was hurting. Most didn't. It doesn't matter now. I just couldn't take it anymore. It's easy to give up than try when nobody wants you to. I'm nothing. Whoops. I said am. Was. I was nothing. i was never good at anything. Anything. Everybody has a passion of somesort is good at one things. Not me. I'm very special. I felt nothing but numb. Or sad. Never happy. I used to be happy. Used to. Before everything became too much. When I became second, third or last choice for everybody. The only person who choose me was my cat. Have you ever been alone? Like for a few days or something? Maybe your parents were working or other people were just away? Ever been so alone with your thoughts that your brain doesn't even feel like your own? That was me all the time. Nothing is good. There will never be any good in the world so why bother staying around right? Now I'm alone in a different form. I loved you all but none of you loved me. That's where the problem was. I lost count of how many times I cried myself to sleep. Too many times. No more. No more bullshit. No more living another day, just to cry at night. Just to do the same thing over and over until we die. Goodbye.

This isn't that great a note, but I'm very hormonal so can't write without crying right now. Maybe in a week I'll try again. Also feel sick right now. And thirsty. Water isn't helping though.