I never thought I would be that girl

I never thought I would be that girl. The girl who stays in bed all day, unable to move, yearning to enjoy the fresh air but her mind keeps her trapped in her bed. That girl who never has a happy thought but always has to fake a smile to trick people into thinking otherwise. That girl who is in so much pain, she takes a razor to her skin to control what she is feeling. I guess I never thought my life would turn out the way it did. I'd remember hearing quotes from people online or in those stereotypical posters about mental health and stuff; hearing things like 'my head is full of demons' and 'I too scared to die but don't want to live'. I never understood them then. My head was healthy then. I'm never happy. Ever. When I met up with Nay, I was happy, mainly when we went ice-skating as we did something but still. Not that she cares. She pretends. Everybody does. They pretend to care when you're at you breaking point then piss off while they can to find somebody else. Somebody better. Saskia did it. She found Mark then Charlotte. Holly just left altogether. Hannah was never super close to me anyway. All my friends from years 5-8 are practically gone. I have no-one. I guess it's due to American movies and TV shows. Giving me the idea that friendship is this perfect thing. Having a friend that lives superclose is great, right? Until you isolate yourself and they don't care. In my mind, the perfect friend would live close - like same street close- we would always hang out after school, sleepovers all the time, inside jokes, non-stop laughing, seeing the best and worst with each other. It's all a fantasy. The closest I ever got to that ideal friendship would be Emily. I miss her. So much. And Millie. And Natalee (who is a mother now damn). And Kane. And Amelia. She's gone now though. I want to join her. This pain is getting too much. Everything is too much. I don't want to do anything. Nobody cares. I see no point. Still heard nothing from the doctors about my referal. Probably forgot to be honest. If I don't hear back soon, I'm not trying agian. I want help but if the fucking doctors don't care then why should I? Honestly, who would care about me? I'm nothing. I never see my friends anymore. We barely ever talk. A huge part of me doesn't even care but I miss those days of being able to laugh for hours. The day when we cried on when we split up on the last day of school. I guess we cried since we knew what was coming. The inevitable. The friendships that will be lost among the way. I've already permantely lost one friend from that day, Holly. There are a few others that I really don't want to lose but what's the point. In just over a year, they'll be going to uni and doing something with their lives, while I'll be stuck in the same place doing a crappy job because I failed. I'm a failure. Whenever I try, all I do is fail. I'm like a fail machine. My stomach still hasn't recovered over the last few day. Part of me just wants to puke everything up, but then a part of me knows that if I do, there is a chance that I could become obsessed with throwing up, trying to lose weight. For the first time in years, I have a healthy BMI. It won't last but I really want it to. If I have a milkshake for breakfast Monday and Tuesday, no lunch all week and a small dinner along with a shit load of walking. By the end of the week, I should have lost a pound (hopefully) then I can keep it up and become so skinny. Maybe I can actually look at myself in the mirror again. I had work today. It was quite fun. Nothing too boring. They actually gave me work to do woooo. Plus I'm getting paid on the next Friday not the Friday before I work. It's gonna be confusing at first but I'll get used to it. I need to book those tickets for the Exeter thing soon, but I'll need permission from Mel which she is going to hate. Hopefully Tom will sign the form. That would be great. Summer is months away but I can't wait. Hour long walks. Getting lost. Can't wait.