Month long update - whoops

Wow. Has it really been over a month since I last wrote anything? Damn, time flies when you're wishing for death. As you can tell from the date, Christmas was a few days ago. How was it you're not asking? Shit. That's an understatement if I'm honest. My mother and I went to visit my grandma for Christmas since we were guilt-tripped into doing so by my older half-brother Adam. On Christmas, she woke me up by blasting the radio - who was playing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer - at 7:30a-fucking-m. I was not happy. I don't really care about presents if I'm honest. Before we left, my mum gave me my presents and I mainly got money which is what I asked for so I can't really complain. I did get £100 so not too shabby. She also got me generic beauty products like lotion and stuff, a shit ton of chocolate that I really do not need or can eat really because of my braces. Oh yeah, I got braces. Death please? It took about 30 minutes to get them on but my god did it hurt. I was thinking about it and they can't be that great since I didn't eat for 3 days. I had soup the day after I got them, but mainly just chugged water. I didn't want to eat so I didn't feel hungry. Oh, I look terrible with braces. I knew I would but seeing it in the flesh is just so horrible. The girl with so little self-esteem, gets braces. Self-esteem? What's that? I don't have that! Don't be crazy. So yeah, that sucks. My next appointment is in February so yay. My goal is to have them off by this time next year since my teeth aren’t that jacked. They only need to rotate one tooth and push one tooth to fill a gap. The rest is replacement teeth so I shouldn’t need them a year. I keep thinking I’m seeing a difference but then I actually look and I’m like nahhh. Great right? What else did I get for Christmas? A diary which may actually be helpful so thanks mum. A jumper, some perfume (generic I know) and I think that’s it, from my mum anyway. Although, afterwards she did buy me Dodie’s Secrets for the Mad so yay. I can’t wait to read it. My grandma got me the Soph x Makeup Revolution Palette which I kinda asked her for so is it really a gift? She also got me a necklace with ‘love’ on it… thanks but I ain’t wearing that. Adam got me a pink raincoat… again, thanks but I ain’t wearing that. Don’t get me wrong, I love them both, but God they don’t know me at all. I especially relate to Adam since he has depression and Social Anxiety and nobody in my family really understands. They don’t bash him for his illnesses, but say he could try more. God this is gonna suck when I have to tell my family. It’s gonna suck even more considering that some people say that depression is genetic so if that is the case, and I’m diagnosed with it, then it could be partly due to my mum. I won’t blame her but I hope she doesn’t research into it. Another great thing happened though, me and Nay met up again and I had so much fun! We went ice skating and it was probably the only time in the last year that I was happy. At first, we couldn’t even let go of the barrier but eventually, we went round the rink several times without holding onto anything but each other! It may be a cop out but we did it. It was so fun. It was funny how little kids were skating like pros and here we are, two 16 year old girls, who can’t even stand up straight. It was a good day. Other happy times include my birthday, Weston-Super-Mare, meeting Nay the first time and meeting Aisha for the first time as well. I can’t think of anything else which is kinda sad but that’s me. College sucks. I don’t really wanna talk about it because I may start crying. I got an E in my Sociology essay. Needless to say I broke down in the toilets and cut. I couldn’t help it. I hated it. They still haven’t sorted the whole bus thing out yet and they’re fucking blaming me! If I could, I would just drop out. Part of me wants to just talk to mum, ask to move somewhere down south, then get an apprenticeship or something. I would love to. I guess the only thing stopping me is money, and Tommy. He’s old. He wouldn’t last another big move. I don’t know if I talked about this but I’m seeing Fall Out Boy in March with Charlotte which should be fun. Should. I’m also seeing Dan and Phil in May with Victoria. I don’t think there is anything else I can talk about. A couple days ago I found out the Nay wasn’t a virgin which kinda doesn’t totally surprise me, but it made me feel shit. It’s not her fault obviously, I just feel so far behind in the whole teenage experience. I haven’t even kissed anybody. Now my brain is constantly thinking about it, I should stop but it’s hard to. I’m also constantly feeling nervous since I wouldn’t have a clue what to do. I know it’s normal to wait but I still feel like shit. It makes me feel so alone. Next year, I’m going to try and write every day; I want to see my progress (if there is any.). I need to think about New Years’ Resolutions but I never keep to them, so I need to make them realistic. Nay is dating her best friend Oli. I’m fine with that. The only issue I have is she’s seen him 3 or 4 times in the last month alone. I will admit they have never met before then but still! I’ve been up to see her twice. Plus she’s staying at his house… girl you can stay at mine but nahhhhhh. ‘You’re my best friend but I would rather stay at my boyfriend’s house’. Am I petty? Yes. I’ve just had enough of all of this. I wanna just move out and get a job and live life. Anything would be better than this. I may write tomorrow talking about resolutions but don’t expect anything. I’m going around my friend’s house to get drunk. That should be fun. Anyway, see ya.