Another breakdown... who is surprised?

Okay, I don’t know where to begin. I just feel like my life is falling apart. I’ve been fine until today when a small thing just tipped me over the edge. For Halloween I was going to go as a post-op barbie like Glam and Gore, so I tried to find the wig, and I can’t remember where I put it. I know it seems like a small and silly thing to be upset about but it just made me think about everything. How bad my memory is, the on-going symptoms of CFS, feeling so fucking stupid when I can’t answer a question that everybody else finds so easy. Other people complaining about stuff I would never complain about. ‘I got invited to a party but it’s tomorrow’, ‘my dad only has £2000 in his account, and I only have £500’, ‘my new friends want me to hang out outside college’ and general things that I want to punch them for. I haven’t really made any new friends, my mum is lucky if she had £50 in her account, I’m always second choice and it’s just so tiring. Always having to deal with other people’s crap when you’re dealing with your own but can’t speak out due to fear of being judged. Whenever I do talk about my issues, the disregard them or give vague advice. They think of it as nothing, but if I end up telling somebody (since I can’t do it normally without feeling like an inconvenience) I’m usually crying. But no! I legit have first world problems, give me attention. But here I am, contemplating mutilating myself after 2 years of being clean, just to feel something again. Not to feel like this. The person that everybody forgets. Doesn’t want. Doesn’t care about. Always there to listen to your problems, but always turns invisible when she wants to voice her thoughts. The girl that is lonely. Afraid. Sad. When I was about 13, I heard people online talk about having ‘demons’ and I never understood what they meant, I do now. Having those nagging, horrible thoughts. Telling you you’re worthless. Stupid. Horrible. I can deal with it, but after a long time of persistent nagging, it’s starts to take a toll on you. I don’t know how to help myself. Therapy? Probably not. I’ll just end up crying or feeling worse about myself. Drugs? Hopefully I can just sleep. Talk to my friends? Like they give a damn. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life when I leave college. Uni? Probably not. Travel? With what money? Get a job? Who would take me? Just constant dark thoughts reoccurring, bring me nothing but sadness. I wish I could just be alone for a while. Somehow. Just sit in a room and cry all day. Wouldn’t be very productive would it? Do I even care at this point? I don’t even know. I don’t know anything anymore